Why it’s “soccer” to me – and never “football”

Yeah, we’re gonna relitigate this one – an oldie but a goody

Y’all just keep fighting about the U.S. Open Cup format (we damn sure need some innovative thinking on this one) and whether Wednesday’s Concacaf W Gold Cup match should have been postponed (ooof … a real dog soaker out in San Diego). Meanwhile, I’m gonna fight the good fight somewhere else. Again.

This one is sort of like a time-tested tradition, like some relative on your partner’s side who comes to visit every now and then – who you don’t really like but you grudgingly tolerate because, you know, it’s part of the deal.

I’m going to explain once and for all why it’s “soccer” to me. And why it’s played on a “field” and not on a “pitch.”

Disclaimer: YOU can call it whatever you want. I’m a “live and let live” sort. I honestly don’t care what you call it – although I reserve the right to think you’re being a bit of a poser if you’re from this country and insist on calling that 116 x 70 yard, carefully lined area of personal lifetime delight a “pitch.”

And if you correct my phraseology on “soccer” – well, you can get the eff outta here with that nonsense.

Why keep fighting this fight?

I could live 1,000 years and I’m sure, periodically, there would always be some goofball to “correct” me when I say “soccer.” 

It happened last New Year’s Eve. At my local, a friend introduced me to someone else by saying that Steve “works in soccer.” This stranger looked dead right at me and said, "You mean football.”

It is breathtaking how quickly you recognize the life force draining completely away from your very soul. This tedious process has to be policed quickly.  

To be clear, this person had no accent. Dude was as American as ridiculously large portion sizes.  Honestly, when it comes to Yanks who do this, it’s always the same guy who wants to establish himself as the expert in any group, the same chucklefuck who is gonna send back the wine — even if he couldn’t distinguish a 2 buck chuck from a truly killer cabernet.

Again, I try to be polite. I try to understand that humans are fallen and imperfect, and we’re all fighting unseen battles. “Brother, you call it whatever you want,” I say with a smile and as much magnanimity as I can muster – because I have chosen my fighter, and I am about to finish the fight. “It’s gonna be soccer to me, and I’m not arguing about that one tonight.”

And then it happened again, earlier this week. Same sort of scenario, just a different place. 

So … hear me now

U.S. star attacker Christian Pulisic … clearly on my side (OK - OK, it’s a photoshop. But it’s a popular and well-known photoshop — and for a purpose!)

When I played this game as a kid, I played soccer. We passed, trapped and tackled on soccer fields. My youth soccer teams were linked to soccer associations, overseen at the highest level by the U.S. Soccer Federation. I watched Soccer Made in Germany and All-Star Soccer on PBS channels. I attended a summer soccer camp, and my first in-person pro game was in the crazy ol’ North American Soccer League. 

I had soccer coaches and scored a million times in the backyard on my makeshift soccer goals. 

See, it’s just the vernacular. That’s it. It’s not some ideological stand. (OK, maybe it’s a little bit of that, too.) 

We called it soccer here. So no matter how many people from England / Scotland / wherever want to (or wanted to) tell me it’s football – it’s just not. Not to me.

I see your side – but that’s not me

I get it. YOU called it football back home (although it’s been well documented that the word “soccer” originated in England. Facts. Look below …) 

From a 2022 story in Business Insider (https://www.businessinsider.com/why-americans-call-it-soccer-2014-6)

Maybe you miss home. You miss the way things were. You want Yorkshire Tea and a proper Sunday roast; we all feel the pull of nostalgia to some degree.

But we’re different. For most of us it’s coffee and weekend BBQ.

On word choice of soccer v football, this is not me getting pulled to sea in some riptide of nationalism, believe me. Again, it’s just the vernacular.

As for Yanks who want to tell me “it’s football:” Y’all just stop. I have less patience for that one.

If your life is in desperate need of validation, and if you reach for it through some inorganic and pedantic bid for authenticity – well, seek help from a qualified therapist. Or don’t. Again, I don’t care what you call it. What you call it takes nothing away from my life.

But you don’t get to tell me “you’re doing it wrong,” not without some well-rehearsed push back.

(Aside: It’s the same for a lot of things in life – and this is where folks get it wrong. For instance, who you love, who you marry, who you sleep with, none of that takes anything away from my life. So … go forth, bonk on, marry up … you go! I’m good. Back to “soccer:”)

As for “field” vs. “pitch”

This one is simple, truly.

• If you ride an elevator (not a “lift”)

• If you shine a flashlight (not a “torch”)

• If you have a weak spot for a decadent sleeve of cookies (not biscuits)

• If you use an article before “hospital” or “university”

• That is, if you grew up on standard North American word usage …  

Then I’m not sure where you wandered into all that “pitch” business.  I know I’m stepping on friendly toes here; some very good people in my life say “pitch.” I still love you – we’re just not simpatico on syntax.

I can honestly say that in a career of writing about soccer and broadcasting soccer on radio or TV, I have never said “pitch.” It’s just not in my vocabulary.   

If you translate that as “he doesn’t know the game,” then you and I can have a good natured go-round about the tactical utility of the inverted winger, or about why exactly we teach “back foot receive” in the youth game – and I’ll most likely kick your ass in this verbal set-to.  

Again, I grew up playing on soccer fields. When I was assigned games as a referee – got my license at age 13 – I was told “Field No. 3” etc.   

In our country’s vernacular, we watch and play games on baseball fields, (American) football fields and … yep … soccer fields.

I’ve said this before: soccer in this country has history. Real history. It had history going back 100+ years. But the bulk of it, what we could call “modern soccer history” probably started in the 1970s and took a big upward turn in trajectory around the 1994 World Cup. So we’ve earned the right to create our very own language, our way of speaking about a game so many of us love. We no longer need to borrow from the English game. 

We appreciate the push all those years ago, guys, but we got this now.

Signed: Your friend in soccer